Pregnant women love this.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re looking at that bagel and wondering just what the hell is going on.

Let’s preface this:  This is the thing heart attacks are made of – not for the weak stomachs or poor arteries.

Who would like this? Baconophiles* like me, or people who like to experiment.

Toasted Cinnamon Raisin Bagel – Creamy Peanut Butter – 4 strips of Maple Bacon.

Oh god yes.  This is probably the most delicious breakfast I have eaten in years.  It’s they best parts of breakfast all mashed together.  If I had eggs and sausage, I would have but them on there and encased it all in a Krispy Kreme outer-layer.

If you ever get a couple of minutes, I’d suggest trying this.  It’s the wonderful syrup taste of the crispy and sweet bacon.  A nice crunch covered in the smooth peanut butter.  All the time with a hint of cinnamon.

Bah.  I should have put bananas on it, too…

• People who like bacon on everything.  Seriously.  I have Bacon Salt and use it liberally.

...Food?

Oh, Chicago.

My Spring Break is over (I spent all of it watching 3 seasons of Rescue Me and House on Hulu.com, and catching up on Dexter Season 3).  And we had a blizzard.  Luckily, it melted as soon as it came down.

This is a belated post.  That picture… over there.  That was eaten about 3 days ago now.  One of the greatest things about Chicago is it’s diversity.  The polish, irish, italian, asian, and hispanic communities.   It makes for an amazing array of foods as well.

In certain neighborhoods in particular, you can have that south of the border experience every 10 feet.  Every other restaurant is a mexican restaurant that sells the exact same food for the exact same price, just with a different owner or name.  (Unless you’re on Division and Ashland, in which case you have 3 different La Pasaditas within 10 feet of each other.)

I’m sure it’s not something new to any of the readers.  We’ve all had this type of authentic mexican food.  It’s cheap, it’s delicious, and very often open until 2am or later to appease the drinkers.  In that photograph, is the #7 (Taco Plate).  Somewhere in there, are two tacos.  I think they’re on the bottom, because there are tortillas down there.

I’m a pansy white kid.  I like love bland.  I can’t handle exotic or spicy.  It makes my  tongue cry, so I get mine with just the meat, beans, cheese and veggies.  None of that crazy hot sauce.

As you can imagine, this food was bland.  However, it was delicious and filling.  The steak was tender and tasty.  The best part, though… is knowing that no matter if I choose Rocky’s Tacos or La Taqueria #21, I will get the exact same plate of food.  It’s the unspoken fast food industry.  The only thing they’re missing is corporate representation.

Photo Not Accurate

If it’s good enough for elementary school kids, then it’s good enough for me.  I’m four posts in and I’m already noticing a trend.  Apparently, when you’re a poor college student, you start eating all of that ‘sorta-food’ stuff they give you for elementary school lunch.

And when you’re broke and have no money, you end up eating PB&J – just like that poor little turd who forgets to bring his lunch money one day, so the lunch lady slips you the charity-butter and jelly sammich under the table and tells you, ‘It’s okay, sweetheart’.

Oh Doris.  You were such a nice lunch lady.

This photo isn’t entirely accurate to what I ate.  I was so hungry, I didn’t even think about taking an iPhone* photo for the purposes of this blog.  My apologies.  The salisbury steaks I ate came in a pack of 6 and were actually cheaper than Banquet.

I know.  Your jaw is agape.  Some meat cheaper than Banquet’s 10/$10 frozen meals.  I tossed it in the oven at 325* for an hour, then went to watch some of Dexter Season 3 – which I won’t spoil for you.  Go buy Showtime.

As per skinny kid mandates to eat too much, I took all 6 of these sponge-like, tasteless patties in watergravy and piled them atop 2 pieces of Oat Bran bread.

Then I remember there was instant Garlic and Herb mashed potatoes in the cupboard.  And I actually had the milk and butter to make them!  So I threw those ‘steaks’ back into the oven for the 3 more minutes it took to boil the fake-tatoes, and piled that whole pot onto the food.

It was the most amazing bland I have ever tasted.  Just piles and piles of generic.  I couldn’t tell you which flavor came from where – except the garlic.  That was obvious.  But man do I like garlic.  I think they just make those steaks out of paper, but that’s fine.  It’s filling and cheap.  This entire meal cost me roughly $6 and it’s all I had to eat today.  I give it credit for that.

P.S.  At this time, my roomate and his girlfriend were eating a very large and delicious smelling pizza from Pizza Metro with Garlic, Chicken and Spinach.  That pizza is from here on to be known as “The Hudson”, because he eats it at least once a week.

*Yes.  I own an iPhone, a Macbook, a desktop and an xbox 360.  But I can’t afford food.  Welcome to the generation you’ve raised, jerks.

These don't even look appetizing.

It’s no secret.  I live at Aldi.  I don’t care if I have to pay a quarter to rent a cart, it’s worth it for all of the cheap stuff they have.

There is a secret, however, to buying their hotdogs.  If you look closely at your options and look beyond the ‘bulk-buy’ 48 pack of Bar S hotdogs, you’ll find your normal hotdogs come in 2 varieties:

8-pack All Beef hotdogs:  $3.39

8-pack hotdogs: $1.89

I can save a buck and a half as long as I don’t care which part of what animal went into my hotdog.  I’m game!

These aren’t just any normal hotdogs, though.  These hot dogs defy science.  They’re an anomaly.  It doesn’t matter how long you put these in the microwave for – they will never heat beyond room temperature.  NEVER.  I have no idea how they do it, but microwave radiation does not affect these wieners.

Baffling.

Making a side appearance:

Aldi Processed American Cheese Slices – These may or may not contain dairy, but I’m assuming so, considering they taste almost exactly like a thin sheet of butter.

Also, Aldi Ketchup and Mustard.  If you find a way to mess up Ketchup and Mustard, you don’t deserve to call yourself Aldi.

It's a jar of awesome.

During my time on the Lazy Food Blog, I will not only review current and/or recent meals, but also foods from my past.  These are foods from a better time in my life, possibly… I don’t know.

These are Nostalgic food reviews.

The first installation:  Cracker Barrel Apple Butter

If you’ve ever just happened to travel more than 10 miles on any of America’s Interstates, you know what a Cracker Barrel is.  If you’ve traveled more than 10 miles on an Interstate and still haven’t seen one?  You’re blind.  You shouldn’t driving anyway.  What are you doing?  Get out of the car now.

I’ve very recently had a conversation with a friend, trying to explain Apple Butter.  Hell, I don’t know… Delicious?! It’s heaven in a jar and on a biscuit.  I could eat it out of the jar with a spoon, lest I be labeled a freak.

Let’s see.  I guess, it’s kind of like apple sauce, except it’s not.  It’s kin to jelly or jam, except it’s not.  But It’s spicy and even if you don’t like apples, it doesn’t exactly scream “Hey, I’m full of apples!”  If it did, we’d have more problems than your distaste for apples.

If I remeber correctly, it’s about $8 for a jar and it will end up going moldy before you can use all of it.  Until it started to grow things, however, it was entirely worth it.  I blame it on the fact that I can’t often afford to buy english muffins or bagels.  In my humble opinion, Apple Butter does not fit with hot dogs.  or hamburgers.  or sushi.   Chicken?  Possibly.

While you’re at the Cracker Barrel gift shop, resist purchasing that damn peg game.  It may ruin your life.

This brings me to the Lazy Food Blog.  I like to eat.  A lot.  It’s the curse of being skinny with a quick metabolism.  I eat anything and everything, then suffer the weight of a foodbaby* for the rest of the day.

How am I supposed to keep eating so much when food is incredibly expensive?  This is a recession, folks.  I can barely afford Carl Buddig luncheon meat.

Obviously, I never have the pleasure of enjoying a fine meal at a decent restaurant, so I can’t review anything ‘classy’.

Instead, the Lazy Food blog is for the scavenger like me.  I plan to review those possibly normal, everyday things that I eat – no matter how mundane they may be.

I’m Matthew Malone.
I’m cheap.
I like to eat.
I like to write.

Welcome to the Lazy Food blog.  Eat it up.

*foodbaby:  The very obvious stomach expansion that a skinny person suffers after eating – making them appear either a) pregnant or 2) malnourished